Monday, March 22, 2010

Dust it off

Since yesterday's post was a little bit of a debbie downer and I've had a day of reflecting on what I wrote and how I felt, I thought I'd backpedal a bit.
To put it simply, I've come back to my senses. Admittedly I was again swept up in the whirlwind of what it feels like to have a guy tell me I'm beautiful and play interested and it was all well and lovely. But all of a sudden all this hard-won independence and self-loving turned to self-loathing the second he lost interest. And, uh, that's not going to fly with me. No longer will this girl deem her beauty or self-worth on when a man says it's so. Fuck that. I say it. I'm beautiful. In and out, curves and cellulite, frizz and freckles, I am beautiful.
And you know what else? I'm happy! I forgot for a teensy-tinsy millisecond how deliciously happy I actually am with the strides I am making in my life. Funny how a man knocks me all off kilter and rules my senses. I get all woe is me, he doesn't like me, my life's a big pile of pond scum. Ummm, no it isn't. I love my new job. I literally didn't want to leave today. The people there make me feel valued and important; the atmosphere is beautiful and I enjoy what I do.
Oh and I'm taking horse-back riding lessons. Yeah, that's right. Something I've wanted to do since childhood, yet get around to doing once every seven years or so. I called and set it up today. One more life-long dream being conquered. Check.
And as many cracks as I make about not being a Wisconsiner, seeing the glory of the packers or ever becoming a party-girl, I really like this town. It has amazing qualities. I went for a drive today and just looked at old Victorian houses and parks where children chased each other, white steeples on old churches, breweries and wineries, theaters and coffeeshops and thought, this town has so much to offer me!
I went to the library today and was on a high filling up my arms with guides to off-beaten trails of Wisconsin and books I've been dying to read (Twenties Girl, by Sophie Kinsella). It felt like what eating really good pizza tastes like after you've been craving if for ages or dipping your feet into the water at the beach for the first time in the summer. And not just today, but my life feels like that; it feels really good right now. Promising is the word I'd use.
I am meeting people that I enjoy being around and make me laugh and rekindling with others I never imagined I'd form such powerful bonds with. I feel at peace with who I am becoming. And who I am becoming isn't someone's ego-booster or fall-back plan.
If a man doesn't see what I'm about, well it's not my job to show him. I'm worth looking into. And that's that, my friends.

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